come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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