so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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