If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you inspire me to be a worse person
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
