In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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