my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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