My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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