I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
