Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
