is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize