Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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