the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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