We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
