can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
should my penis look like a turkey
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
