I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I puked a lego.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
