I wannas sexs uuuuu
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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