I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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