It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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