fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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