ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
