Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
