Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
