i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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