Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think your dad took our porno
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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