he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have already put on my inside pants.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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