Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
