Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
