eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
