Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
