one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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