The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
