I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you win again, gameday.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
