So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
