If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize