So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
