I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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