I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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