I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
