I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
