i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
