He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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