There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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