I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
