Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
