there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you had me at cake vodka
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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