You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i came on her dog
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
