people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
