I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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