I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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