if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And then my night got REAL pukey
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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