3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
