Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
