I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
