while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
