you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
