fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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