this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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