She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
