Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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