You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
