If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
