I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
birth control should be required to get into college
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
