I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
