What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
