I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She even gives head with a lisp.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
