eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
