I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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